I have avoided writing this post for a while because well its too easy. I wondered if I hated them too much, that maybe they were ‘overhated.’
Well I’m past that.
What changed you ask?
Earlier this month Billboard unveiled the top selling artists and groups of the decade and at number 7 –first among rock bands– was Nickelback. I have been quietly steaming and rage has been building. In fact its continued building as I am writing this post. Whenever I write about an artist, I listen to their tracks to inspire me. I have already churned through “Never Gonna Be Alone” “Burn it to the Ground” and “If Today Was Your Last Day.” FML…
To demonstrate how personal this post is to me I have compiled a partial list of things that Nickelback has ruined for me.
- Male rock singers with long hair
- Male rock singers that shout
- New rock music this decade
In case you were hoping for some music you are out of luck, Google it. You will find no such filth on our site. Sorry. (“Rockstar” is playing now and I am wondering how quickly I can wrap this stupid post up…AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!)
"Who Am I?"
Nickelback is like an evil Avatar of all things that have been positive in rock music. It sounds vaguely reminiscent, but somehow wrong and evil. Yes, Chad Kroeger shouts into the microphone, but he does it without any feeling, any angst or anything that would justify screaming into the microphone for every single song that you make. I know they say its bad to judge a book by its cover but I read all of the book Blink and know what it taught me?
That people can recognize tools instantly.
Just look at him, you can tell he sucks (if he looks like a cool guy to you, I recommend taking a good hard look in the mirror…)
I don’t listen to rock music that much anymore and I think its because I associate Nickelback with rock after 8 years of whenever the radio being turned on hearing another stupid Nickelback song. I don’t know anyone that likes Nickelback. I really don’t. Everyone knows who Nickelback is and everyone seems to hate them. Why does anyone buy their albums? Is it because they get a lot of radio play? Someone please…
One time I was in a car with my dad and out of nowhere he told me “I hate Nickelback.” A Nickelback song wasn’t even on the radio when he said that, its awfulness was just singed into his brain and was taking away from his enjoyment of a car ride. That is how bad Nickelback is.
This is another guest post from my friend JO$H. He loves Michael Buble, dont you?
heaven is Michael Buble
Dear Michael Buble,
Let me just throw this out there, I think you are a great singer. Along with Josh Groban, you have one of the best vocal ranges and you’re a pure talent in the industry. You sir, could be the new Sinatra that Jay Z claims to be. But, with that said, I just have to say one thing… please shut up. Just stop it, right now. Lay down the microphone and step away.
Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why.
I remember, in my youth, forming my musical identity. These influences were wide ranging: from The Beatles to Busta
Would you believe this group actually used to not suck?
Rhymes, Wyclef to Mariah Carey, Jay-Z to Chicago, I soaked in everything. But it wasn’t just those getting major radio play. I found myself introduced to regional acts; The Roots, Gorillaz and No Doubt all surfaced in my consciousness before they were media darlings. The groups I’ve named have solidified their identities by now, but looking back on their past, you could see in their early work more or less who they would become.
In fact, one of the small groups that made me love independent and lesser touted groups (you can trace back my pre-teeen yuppie roots to these experiences), hailed from Los Angeles. I first saw their music video for Joints & Jams not on MTV, but at 2am on a local public access station. It was so good, I bought their first CD, Behind the Front. In fact, it was so good it propelled me to buy their second album, though not as sharp, Bridging the Gap. But by the time the next album, Elephunk, dropped, something was changed. The Black Eyed Peas were no longer who I thought they were.
For this segment I will be focusing on Kid Rock’s song American Warrior which has been ruining movie theaters for over a year. Nothing like going to see Drag Me To Hell and when the lights dim and you get excited for previews you have to watch 2 and a half minutes of this crap.
First I would like to do some song analysis: Kid Rock sucks, his songs suck this song particularly sucks. Take a look at the chorus.
And they call me warrior
They call me loyalty
And they call me ready to provide relief and help, I’m
Wherever you need me to be
What does that even mean? Everyone knows this song sucks and no one should be forced to watch Kid Rock in a movie theatre, now thats Unamerican.
To make this more than just a bad song and actually downright offensive Kid Rock and Dale Earnhardt Jr. have become spokespeople for the Army National Guard.
How are they possibly qualified to speak for people serving their country? This is ludicrous, song just became offensive because Kid Rock is acting like he knows what it takes to be called “Loyalty.” If I were in the Army National Guard I would be really pissed that two asshats like Jr. and Kid Rock could speak about what its like to be in the desert in Iraq getting shot at.
Officially the most ridiculous line in the song is “I’m giving all of myself, how bout you?” Shut it Kid Rock, you play shitty rock music.
I’d also be pissed that the Army National Guard thought they would find the two biggest redneck heroes to stand up for my cause.
One last note, is the scene with the soccer ball and the brown kid juxtaposed with the scene with the white kid really necessary?
In conclusion I really hope that this ad didn’t make you join the National Guard and Kid Rock and Dale Earnhardt Jr. are dbags for thinking that they are inspiring enough to get someone to join the army.
You are always treading dangerous ground where you set out to make your living being a “guy with a guitar.” It increases your likelihood of sucking by at least 100%. What made me hate guys with guitars you ask?
The answer is simple: James Taylor made me. It’s difficult to describe how completely bland and lame his voice is. Its like all the grownups wanted their own “raffi” or a singer straight out of sesame street and they anointed James Taylor.
To be honest its not his fault he makes crappy music. He is actually a pretty interesting guy. He was boys with Mick Jagger, “You’re So Vain” was written about him.
The James Taylor moment that sums it up for me is when he tries to get all bluesy on a live CD and tries to sing like either a rock star or a black soul singer, instead he sounded like James Taylor. Not sure what song that is but I remember it sucked.