An open letter to Michael Bublé

29 Oct

This is another guest post from my friend JO$H. He loves Michael Buble, dont you?


heaven is Michael Buble

Dear Michael Buble,

Let me just throw this out there, I think you are a great singer. Along with Josh Groban, you have one of the best vocal ranges and you’re a pure talent in the industry. You sir, could be the new Sinatra that Jay Z claims to be. But, with that said, I just have to say one thing… please shut up. Just stop it, right now.  Lay down the microphone and step away.

Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why.

I just listened to your latest single “Haven’t met you yet,” and it left my ears ringing in pain.  You are 34 years old. Thirty-four, not 15.

I’m Not Surprised / Not Everything Lasts / I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times / I Stop Keeping Track

What’s up with that Mikey?  You’re throwing your talent away. I would understand hearing those lines from Taking Back Sunday, The All-American Rejects, or another God-awful band like Good Charlotte (I’ve always found their name ironic).  But you’re much, much better than that. Clearly your shooting for the 13 yo rich girl demographic. Cool? You’ve sung beautiful covers of timeless classics made popular by Sinatra, Ray Charles, and The Beatles.  Yet, you decide it’s okay to defecate on my eardrums. “Haven’t met you yet” doesn’t just start bad, it carries that theme the whole way through. Did I miss the Camp Rock sequel where you performed this song with the Jonas Brothers? I watched the music video and almost projectile vomited onto my computer screen.  Terrible.

Now this may sound solely like a verbal flogging, but don’t take this the wrong way, there is a focus here.  See, many women listen to your songs.  And not only is “Haven’t met you yet” bad, but it’s crampin’ my style man.  You’re making ladies fall in love with fairies. I’m not a fairy. Let me explain… Here is the middle portion of “Haven’t met you yet”:

“I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility”

Shut up. That’s just not realistic. Not in any way, shape, or form.  Really Mike? Now let me just clarify on thing that gives me credibility to judge your music; I love bashing sappy love songs like “Unbreak my heart” I’m not someone who just likes bashing sappy love songs.  In fact, many of my friends might even classify me as a balls deep in testosterone misogynistic he-man hopeless romantic.  So this mushy, love-soaked awfulness should be right up my alley, right? Wrong.

First off, this song was clearly written for a chick to sing. Why are you singing it?  You make it seem as though someone is going to come out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet—“I Might Have To Wait / I’ll Never Give Up / I Guess It’s Half Timing / And The Other Half’s Luck / Wherever You Are / Whenever It’s Right / You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life.” Last time I checked, that was nearly every 14-year-old girl’s dream, not a 34-year-old man’s.  I totally understand how your girlfriend thought you were gay.

Hey asshole, with all of the talent you have and the millions of songwriters out there itching to make good music, I’m sure you could come up with something better than “Haven’t met you yet.”  In fact, the rest of your cd is crap too. How do I know that? Well, when you’re funemployed you find free time to be adventurous. It’s called Crazy Love Mikey? Really? Like that Beyonce song? Okay, well I’ve got an idea, why don’t you give me a call and I’ll write a few songs for you. We’ll fix your image and make you the badass womanizing lounge singer that you should be. Look I’ve already come up with the song titles for all of the tracks on your new release, 3.5 inches of Crazy Love. We’ll release it as an EP.

  1. “Cry me a river…of blood”
  2. “All of Me (inside of you)”
  3. “All I do is dream [Swizz Beatz remix]”
  4. “You’re nobody till you kill somebody” (feat. Lil Wayne)
  5. “Haven’t met you yet, but I hate you”
  6. “I want to hug you” (feat. Harry Connick Jr.)

I look forward to a day when you come out with songs that are on the same level as your talent, but I guess we just haven’t met that Michael Buble yet. Pussy.




33 Responses to “An open letter to Michael Bublé”

  1. leah December 11, 2009 at 3:01 PM #

    thats ridiculace.

    michael bublé is amaing and you hav no right to criticize him like that.

  2. marie bernon December 14, 2009 at 9:58 AM #

    well what can i said josh u r a dick with no brain you r pathetic and sad maybe its time for u to get a life u could never be micheal bubble your jeolouse is bitting u my friend get a life of yr own very sad sad sad i dont think that u have impress no one by saying what u said.

  3. marie bernon December 14, 2009 at 10:02 AM #

    micheal i love everything about u and you are my hero and i love you with all my heart and you are a great singer i cant wait to meet u.xxxxxs

  4. Frances Noik December 17, 2009 at 2:18 PM #

    I am crazy for you and your new album…. HOWEVER, PLEASE DO NOT EVER SING “YOU’RE NOBODY UNTIL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU”…. the saddest, most depressing, negative music I have ever heard…. should be against the law to write, play, sign such awful awful lyrics.

    Promise me, Michael, that you will never ever sing that song or any other that is so heartbreaking….. Continue writing your own. “HAVEN’T MET YOU YET”… GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!

  5. Jack Branson December 18, 2009 at 8:04 PM #

    Josh, mad props to you. I’ve heard a pretty decent representation of his work, and I concur – he has an absolutely mesmerizing voice. However, what he uses it for sickens me. Now, the way you went about saying that might have been a bit over the top, but that’s beside the point. To put it bluntly, Bublé needs to grow a pair.

  6. nean December 25, 2009 at 12:41 PM #

    I think Michael Buble is amazing!Enough said!

  7. Harmine January 3, 2010 at 10:42 PM #

    Coming from a 21 yr old female ex-fan, let me tell you Josh that I agree 100%. I was a big fan of Buble about 3-4 years back when his music was actually tasteful. Back then he covered really good 20’s-50’s songs like classics ‘Mack the Knife’ and ‘My Funny Valentine’; Buble always really had the voice to match.

    Then he started writing his own stuff like ‘Havent Met You Yet’, ‘Everything’ and that GODAWFUL song ‘Home’; and of course he promoted that crap through singles for the plain fact that he wrote them himself. All sappy, cheesy, amateur excuses for love songs. A love song doesn’t necessarily have to be lame, but everything he seems to write himself is.

    And thats why I’m not into him or his music anymore. He has a beautiful voice but wastes it promoting childish, self written songs that dont even appeal to people my age, and Im young! Maybe 13 year old fans is all you need and all youre going to get now Michael.

    The first couple of comments prove it!

    But maybe I’m just being “jeolouse” and “ridiculus”

    • binda October 3, 2010 at 12:37 PM #

      you fucking bitch at least he has the guts to do this unlike all those others that don’t write at least even one of his songs and his songs are brilliant and he writes about how he feels so what’s so bad about that and if i was missing my boyfriend i would write something like that so get over yourself people like you are just jealous and not worth much in life see how you like that and he is a generous man and was probably busy because i got him to sign my programme and shake my hand along with a kiss on the cheek and if you don’t like his music anymore why do you still liusten to him and post comments.

      • tksama October 7, 2010 at 12:59 AM #

        ladies. make love, not war.

      • dfs November 21, 2010 at 7:58 AM #

        lol u mad?

        seriously, don’t ever post on the internet again.

  8. Harmine January 3, 2010 at 10:44 PM #

    Oh and by the way Marie Bernon.. I met Michael Buble at a concert and he was an egotistic pig who wouldnt even shake my hand. Instead he told me and all the other female fans to go back to our seats. CHARMING.

  9. Zef January 14, 2010 at 4:28 PM #

    You’re out of your mind.
    If you can’t appreciate his original songs, then stop whining and just listen to his covers.
    I don’t see what’s wrong with just letting him use his own voice for whatever the hell he wants.

  10. hey January 14, 2010 at 7:22 PM #

    Well, i like ‘everything’ and all of his other songs, so you guys can stop being jealous of his talent.

  11. emily January 28, 2010 at 9:00 PM #

    MICHAEL BUBLE IS TOTALLLYYYY AMAZING… and i think all those haters who ask him to shut up because Michael happens to be better than them can go spend their time on making their life better instaed of trying to make others worse…ESPECIALY when it doesnt work!!
    thats it!
    Michael…thanks for the great music!!

  12. Danielle January 29, 2010 at 2:58 AM #

    “Haven’t met you yet” is just a cute little feel-good song. It’s meant to make you smile, not to piss you off. As far as the complexity of lyrics goes, a great song doesn’t need to have mind-boggling lyrics. Get over it.

  13. Janet Drong January 30, 2010 at 3:45 PM #

    I happen to LOVE everything Michael does and at no time did I ever think he was gay. Far from it! He is a handsome talented man and I’d love to date him. His new song, “I just Haven’t Met You Yet”, is a great tune. How could you not love it? I don’t think it matters how old he is, it’s a great song. So whoever the idiot is that slammed him for it should go back to his cave. I mean really, what’s wrong with you?? I love all of Michael’s work and always will!

    Sincerely, A huge fan

  14. Jane January 31, 2010 at 4:26 AM #

    I think Michael Buble has a great voice and is a great talent. Seems very nice and likeable. I believe he just got engaged and I wish him happiness and luck.
    If he were gay however, he would be just as nice. Why can’t people in this world just get along and stop being jealous and vicious. Life is short and someday they will face their maker. God Bless Michael Buble, may he be well, healthy and happy for many, many years to come!

  15. Maureen February 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM #

    I love, love, love Michael Buble. Not only is he a fellow Canadian, he’s an awesome singer & cute too boot. I love “Haven’t Met You Yet”. I call it my happy song because it does just that. No matter where I am when I hear that song, I feel happy & start dancing just like in the video. Can’t wait until August when I’ll be seeing him in person!

  16. kimmy February 11, 2010 at 6:07 PM #

    juhuuuu,never read such a good article in my life..well done author

  17. divalatina83 February 20, 2010 at 7:35 PM #

    I like Michael Buble just the way he is.

  18. Godless February 21, 2010 at 8:48 AM #

    I hate Buble – he comes across an arrogant twat. Haven’t Met You Yet is probably one of the worst songs ever. Add a healthy dose of “auto-tune” on his voice and you have pure musical vomit.

  19. fan February 24, 2010 at 12:32 AM #

    your a duche josh, thats why you don’t get women Michael Buble knows just what to sing to make the ladies melt!

  20. Holyshnitzel March 25, 2010 at 9:01 PM #

    Michael Boobleeh and Lady GAGA are meant to meet and have the most fucking awful babies the world will ever suffer… And I’ll get to name them!!!

  21. swiss tone and olomew June 7, 2010 at 7:47 AM #

    we love michael he is gr8 and for the win. the ymca would not be same without the radio playing his songs in the shower where we get to make new friends who we ‘just haven’t met yet’ ! Go michael !!

    • tksama October 7, 2010 at 12:58 AM #

      Valid point. Apologies for not considering his full fan base.

  22. swiss tone and olomew July 15, 2010 at 4:27 AM #

    its really unfair and fail that that nutter in newcastle who wanted to shot up the po-lice didn’t have any MB to listen to.
    We both listened to his latest album and it blew us away…

    • dfs November 21, 2010 at 8:01 AM #

      I bet you use ‘fail’ and ‘for the win’ in real life conversations. I’m right aren’t I?

  23. mickle boobleh September 2, 2010 at 7:21 PM #

    I work in a women clothing’s store and i gotta listen to all sorts of frustrating and emasculating pop shit, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, but whenever Mike Boob’s annoying tune comes on i feel like i want to scream even louder.

    His voice and the tune is so damn cheesy and blatantly commercial it should be relegated to TV commercials. Josh you are my hero!

  24. sparkes1321 October 27, 2010 at 7:46 AM #

    Hey josh, completely agree with a lot of this article, but don’t understand people raving about his voice and his range……………………. No, just NO!!! He’s dull, his voice is an imitation of sinatra because he has a lack of origniality. Yes I’ve met him, hes a dick, really cliche and heavily marketed. He makes me cringe whenever I see him on TV, mainly because he has no integrity what so ever! So to all the women who fall victim to the marketing and advertising…………………….. he really isn’t that good, its just the way hes marketed. His live show on UK xFactor the other night was dreadful, sounded like he was stugging for air, please also youtube his cover of maroon 5…… complete dribble. He’s a cheesy, pot addcted, cake loving, kareoke singer at best. Get a grip on whats real, and not just what makes money in todays tragic music scene!

  25. dfs November 21, 2010 at 8:00 AM #

    It is not possible to have a rational discussion about the relative merits of Michael Buble. You just can’t do it. Part of the reason is the fanbase he’s attracted with lyrics like those.

  26. Harmine December 28, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

    How old are you bitch? 12?

    Go listen to some REAL FUCKING MUSICIANS like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.

    I tell my honest opinion based on an article I read on this website and without knowing the first thing about me you call me a fucking bitch?

    Dig yourself a grave and die, don’t tell me I’m not worth much in life. Youre bending over backwards for someone you don’t even fucking know.

    Immature little fucking bitch. I bet you’re a Justin Beiber fan too right? Their fans go hand in hand nowadays.

  27. Jemima February 17, 2013 at 5:01 PM #

    Michael ‘Bubbles’ fans aren’t too hot on spelling.


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